Chris Rock Quotes

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy.

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

Hollywood's just not funny.

Every now and then I'm in a situation where someone doesn't recognize me, and I experience racism. Things like not being buzzed into a store or sitting in first class on a plane and having someone ask to see my ticket four times.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I'm a big fan of Katt Williams, Jim Gaffigan, Louie CK, Margaret Cho, Kathy Griffin, Rich Vas, Joey Vega and Matt Claybrooks.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.

If I find a comedy club where no one's camera works, I'll go.

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.

The thing that surprised me the most is just how much money women that weren't rich were paying for their hair. When you're in a beauty parlor in Harlem next to abandoned buildings and somebody's paying five grand for a weave, that's a bit much.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

George Bush hates midgets.

Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.

Black people have been qualified to be president for hundreds of years. George Washington Carver could have been president. I could go on with a list of black men that were qualified to be the president of the United States. So the Obama victory is progress for white people.

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.

Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.

I have no idea what my best material is. Different people like different things. I'll say this: The political stuff gets the press, but the relationship jokes sell all the seats.

Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it's a privilege.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

I kind of keep my personality in my pocket a lot. When I start to do stand-up, that's not my true personality either. It's the personality of a guy who hasn't been able to say what he wanted to say.

I'm an independent, but I got to admit I lean Democratic.

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars. And I bought a red Corvette for $45,000 dollars. I'm thinking, 'I've got 45 grand left!' Taxes didn't even come into my equation. At the end of the first year of making 90 grand I was 25, 30 in the hole. We live in this baller, spend-money culture.

Anything I say about women, I try to make sure that at least five or six friends of mine are going through a similar situation. That way I'm not picking on my wife.

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack. That should be the name of my new DVD: 'Chris Rock: Slightly Above Hack'.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.

I love what's happened to me, but when I was a kid, I wanted to be the president of the United States.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

I don't believe I can offend you in a comedy club. I don't believe I can offend you in a concert. A comedy club is a place where you work out material; you're trying material.

Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep.

I love being famous. It's almost like being white.

My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.

America is the greatest country in the whole world.