Dave Barry Quotes

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.