A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I’m gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
All my friends are dying. That’s why I always wear black.
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously.
Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it.
Anyone that says looks don’t count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It’s the way humans work.
As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It’s only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they’re reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That’s all anyone wants: to have their parents see they’re going to be all right in life.
Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
Comedy is a very rough beat. It’s no holds barred, as it should be.
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I’m unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I’m angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I’m very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
Every television show you go on is a choice.
Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There’s no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he’s doing an acting job.
Fat jokes aren’t relevant, but they’re hilarious when you find them.
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it’s like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
I always like a charity with people who don’t speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
I am a huge ‘Downton Abbey’ fan – huge!
I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken’s vote.
I am furious about everything.
I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.
I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don’t want to live OK. I’m very happy to live in my penthouse, very happy I can pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to spread my wealth a little bit.
I didn’t want to do ‘Fashion Police’ because I thought, ‘This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?’ It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?
I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can’t change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can’t change what happened.
I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
I don’t think there’d be a Tina Fey now if I hadn’t tried to look good in the beginning.
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
I get butterflies before I go out to say hello at a party.
I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he’d do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
I hate reality shows that are not reality.
I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don’t need it. It all comes out onstage.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
I have no line. If I think it’s funny, it’s funny.
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
I just get such a connection from an audience. You play with them. I get mad at them. I yell at them. They yell at me. It’s just fun.
I just love acting.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives.
I lived to be on stage, and I’m terrified. Terrified before every show.
I love Katy Perry! She’s very charming.
I love the Internet, and I love that you can say whatever you want.
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous.
I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he’s ruined it. I can’t make another joke about him.
I never dwell on what happened. You can’t change it. Move forward. Don’t waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It’s over. Done. Move forward.
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny.
I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.
I think I’m in a business where you have to look good, and it’s totally youth-oriented.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
I truly think comedy is – being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, ‘Your father helped my mother die.’ You know what I’m saying? He made her laugh ’til she died. My father was always very funny.
I walk on a stage, and I know if it’s been a good show or not. You know when it’s been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it’s a good show. And you know when you’ve messed up.
I was a Brownie Scout mother.
I was not an attractive child.
I was not an attractive child. When I didn’t use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
I will only praise someone who can’t take anything away from me.
I will work as hard as I do because I love it.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
I would not want to live if I could not perform. It’s in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.
I’m a New York girl. I come out of New York theater.
I’m always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.
I’m grateful for every day I’m still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it’s the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.
I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
I’ve always been salaried; I’ve never owned anything. I’ve done very well, lived very well.
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
I’ve learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they’re signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss – no matter what they tell you.
I’ve learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you’re working with, when the chips are down, it’s all about business.
I’ve learned you don’t always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.
I’ve never thought of it consciously… I say exactly what I think, and very often it’s totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it’s not shtick. But I think I’m the one who says, ‘The emperor has no clothes.’
If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
If you’re saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that’s acting.
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.
It’s feast or famine in showbiz.
It’s like, God, I’m in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, ‘How young?’ They’re going to say she had a great ride.
It’s so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up who.
Life does not measure up to performing… Performing is perfect.
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Life is very tough. If you don’t laugh, it’s tough.
My audiences get younger all the time.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne.
My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes.
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus – that way, I’d visit him every day.
My mother loved entertaining, and I’ve followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Never floss with a stranger.
Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman… I met Harry Truman… But you know what I mean? Nobody’s interested. They want to know you met Rihanna. And that kills me.
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.
Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.
She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Show business is – you’re there by somebody’s fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you’re fine. I’d do anything. There’s so much I want to do.
Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn’t have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.
Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
The thing is, I’m happiest when I’m on stage.
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Trust me, there’s not one night a week I’m not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.
We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
What are people going to do? Fire me? I’ve been fired before. Not book me? I’ve been out of work before. I don’t care.
What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror – anything that upsets me.
When I am on E! for the ‘Fashion Police,’ I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.
When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don’t know where the next job is going to come from.
When you whisper about something, it’s too big, and you can’t get it under control and take control of it.
With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that’s what death is – without waking up to someone clapping and going, ‘Joan, wake up, it’s all over and you’re looking pretty’.
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God’s gift, that’s why we call it the present.
You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn’t there, find a new favorite.
You hear things about certain people. When you hear someone was mean to a limo driver or a wardrobe lady, or someone was rotten to a fan, somewhere in your brain it gets stuck.
You’ve gotta understand – when you interview someone, it’s not an interrogation. It’s not the Nuremberg Trials.
Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.