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A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

Joe E. Lewis

Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.

Joe E. Lewis

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

Joe E. Lewis

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Joe E. Lewis

I don’t drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.

Joe E. Lewis

I don’t like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

Joe E. Lewis

I drink to forget I drink.

Joe E. Lewis

I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.

Joe E. Lewis

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

Joe E. Lewis

I would take a bomb, but I can’t stand the noise.

Joe E. Lewis

I’m still chasing girls. I don’t remember what for, but I’m still chasing them.

Joe E. Lewis

I’ve been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

Joe E. Lewis

If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor.

Joe E. Lewis

It doesn’t matter whether you are rich or poor – as long as you’ve got money.

Joe E. Lewis

It pays to get drunk with the best people.

Joe E. Lewis

Show me a friend in need and I’ll show you a pest.

Joe E. Lewis

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants on.

Joe E. Lewis

Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.

Joe E. Lewis

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

Joe E. Lewis

There’s only one thing money won’t buy, and that is poverty.

Joe E. Lewis

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.

Joe E. Lewis

We can afford almost any mistake once.

Joe E. Lewis

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I’m thirsty, not dirty.

Joe E. Lewis

You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.

Joe E. Lewis

You only live once – but if you work it right, once is enough.

Joe E. Lewis

Jim Lee
Harry S. Truman
Teresa Wright
Anthony Caro