A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.
I always wake up at the crack of ice.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
I don’t drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.
I don’t like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.
I drink to forget I drink.
I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.
I would take a bomb, but I can’t stand the noise.
I’m still chasing girls. I don’t remember what for, but I’m still chasing them.
I’ve been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.
If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor.
It doesn’t matter whether you are rich or poor – as long as you’ve got money.
It pays to get drunk with the best people.
Show me a friend in need and I’ll show you a pest.
Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants on.
Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
There’s only one thing money won’t buy, and that is poverty.
They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.
We can afford almost any mistake once.
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I’m thirsty, not dirty.
You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.
You only live once – but if you work it right, once is enough.